Sunday, August 19, 2007 . 2:51 AM

Sometimes I'll sit and wonder where my life is heading and where this will all end. At times like these, it's hard to rein in my thoughts and focus on the now.

Truth is, like so many others, I don't know why I'm doing what I am and I don't know what it is really I want. When I was younger, sure, I had dreams. I wanted to be a writer. To share my stories with the world. To produce them into movies/series and hopefully earn some money in the process. Of course, there is the mandatory celebrity dream, but I didn't dwell to much on it - or so I hope.

Yet now, here I am, in an industry I know nuts about and have zero passion for. But marketing is what I want to do (or at least I think so). So here I am. Working with aunties, ah bengs and ah lians. And the boss's daughter, Alvin rich campmate and... well, I don't really know how to describe him. 2 weeks into the job and I'm thinking of how long I can stay before leaving.

But the problem is, is there really a geener pasture? Where will I be happy? I've been to so many places and yet, I haven't been able to find my niche. Why? Am I trying too hard to make my career the main focus of my life? But let's be honest here: what do I have besides my work? None of my friends needs me. I feel like I'm imposing on Elsie and Alvin whenever I go out with them. Lately, I haven't feel like seeing any of them. I just want to escape from everyone and just be by myself.

I scare myself when I feel like this and I do try my best to repress these reclusive thoughts. The fact that I still make it to work everyday proves that these thoughts haven't conquered me yet. I was chatting with Farand just now when he gave me a ride home and he said something that struck me. He said that career shouldn't be a person's life. There are other priorities.

It is obvious what his priorities are (family, church). And mine? Maybe I'm confused and lost because I don't have mine right. From the onset, family hadn't been my priority. Neither are friends. I'm always looking out for number one. Perhaps that is the real reason for this general feeling of dissatisfaction. It is time to find another more meaningful focus. 23 years and 9 months of self-absorption should suffice.

Perhaps when I really start to look beyond myself can I really be able to open my heart to someone else.