Wednesday, September 24, 2008 . 6:09 PM

I'm officially off work, so it's ok to blog.

I write strictly when I feel like it, which explains why I can go for ages without updating anything. Today's cause for writing is simple:

I went on Facebook and starting voyuering other people's lives. Come on, they put their freaking pictures there for a purpose right? If they show, then I'll look, simple math.

Anyway I just want to go on the record and say that these people look like they lead more interesting lives than me - and they probably do.

Although I've always noticed the lack of exciting, life-altering events in my life, and at times feel the hollowness in my centre, I've always been able to brush it aside. It's just what I do, I ignore problems and issues.

Just like if, in the dead of the night, alone in bed, I hear strange sounds... what do I do? I bury my head under the pillow and quake under the blankets. If they can't see me, they can't hurt me.

Even my dreams tell me what a coward I am. When I meet monsters in my dreams, if they're chasing after me, I don't run. I lay down and play dead.

Yeah, I suck.

But so what? So what if nothing earth-shattering happens to me? That's not a bad thing right? There are some things I would work hard for, but nothing I would give my life for. Do I not have the fire in me?

Did I ever have the passion? The need to burn so fiercely and brightly that you'll torched everything in your path? Have I ever thirsted for anything so badly that I would die without it?

...

No, I have not. I've never gone berserk over anything or anyone before. Or have I? No, I'm positive that I have not. Ultimately, nothing is more important than me and my pride.

Never let it be said that I don't look out for number one. I'm not selfless, not at all. Do I want to be? Well...

I don't fear change, not much anyway. But I don't feel the need to change. Whatever for? Whoever for? Whyever for?

See, I'm ambivalent. Completely. Utterly so.

So bite me.

Friday, September 19, 2008 . 9:52 AM

It's a day of randomness cos I feel like it. I've been getting annoying calls first thing in the morning and it sucks. Yesterday it was the MD, followed by a long, harrowing phone call to a manager. I only wanted to ask one question, but got stuck on the phone for 15 minutes. When I came off the phone, I wanted to eat my phone so I wouldn't have to talk to him again.

But plastic is really unpalatable, so I dropped the idea - a decison I bitterly regret this morning when I had to again get on the phone with his assistant... Ugh, annoying. But I guess I am responsible somehow. I wish I can wring the life out of the person who got me into this quandary. It's been more than a month since work was briefed in and things are still half done. It's kind of like going to the toilet and then coming out without flushing or washing your hands.

Guess who has to clear the shit? (points to self)

Which is why, it is my responsibility to ensure everything is done, cos, according to my analogy, I'm the toilet cleaner. Ack~ Why do I do that to myself?

But this week is turning out to be a good week, 2 calls for interviews for next week. Whoopeedo!!! I'm optimistic and will channel the inner marketing guru. Haha...

And last evening, Aaron and I tried out the BodyCombat class. It was fun. I liked the punching, but I think my punches are pretty weak. I was watching this woman in front of us and she's like 'wow!' impressive! Instead of following the 2 macho (ok, 1 macho, the other a bit gu-niang) instructors, I followed her.

The actions in the class makes me kinda wonder I've stumbled into Shaolin by mistake. All the martial arts moves, you know, like we watched in period dramas where some highly skilled pugilist will channel his internal strength (nei gong) to defeat his enemies or to heal his injured friend (and said friend will have smoke rising from his head. WAHAHAHAHAHA).

Still, it's kinda of fun. I want to do it again. It beats the crap out of 45 boring minutes on the strider. And I come out of the class grinning at my awkwardness. Plus, plus, plus, there are some cute guys in class. No, not the instructors cos 1 is prolly gay and the other is... well. Haha...

Anyway, I realised I look kind of stupid doing the moves whenever I chance a look into the mirrors that flanked both sides of the room walls. I really look like an idea. And I super exposed myself in my running shorts. Ugh~ Luckily, I think I've got exactly the right pants for this class. I invested in a $79 pants a few years back in anticipation of a kick-boxing class that never came through. No matter, it's coming in handy now. Maybe I'll do Body Attack tomorrow. Should be fun too. I like the classes, so interesting!

Oh, and it's been 17 days since I've gotten my Ommie and I've already left it at home once. Haha... I like the phone, especially after learning how to use the GPS (even if it only shows direction to your destinations via expressways, which translate into ERP. Bleah...) and the internet. It's awesome and I'm pleased with it.

Except for some glitches... I keep having to restart the phone when stupid Windows hang or siphons my RAM so I can't start my camera even after closing ALL tasks. Dumbo... Well, nothing's perfect and I can live with this. I have to, seeing as how I really have no choice.

And one last bit of randomness: a video clip of Jay Chou singing his Beijing 2008Olypmics song. It's a bit late, I know, but I just saw the live version and at first, I thought he was lip-syncing cos the last time he sang live, he sounded horrible. In this, he's pitch perfect, hence the perfectly reasonable doubt of lip-syncing. Then our Golden Boy breaks out into rap during a bridge in the song and that completely blew me away. Watch and listen:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 . 8:41 AM

Last week, the topic of the benefits of working for a bank came up on two occasions.

The first was brought up by Grandma, but Grandpa quickly defended me, saying that it's not all glitz and glamour working for a bank. Well, guess what? He's absolutely right. I'm glad I'm not in the banking sector now. (Sorry, Sharon... I'm not rubbing it in. Thank God you didn't go over to Merrill Lynch.)

As it is, the collapse of one bank and sale of another does not bode well for my plans for a job change. Like it wasn't tough enough trying to find employment in present climate. I was expecting an economical downturn, but this, this is so out of the blue.

Well, at least I didn't do anything rash and quit my job first. That would have been nightmarish. Having gone through an extended period of unemployment... I kind of like it.

What's not to like? I wake at noon and drift through the day. Watching drama series and reading books are the most strenuous activities I'll be doing the entire day. Do I really have to wait till retirement to be able to do that?

What would I give up for a life like that? Maybe, I can settle for not owning a car. And... not buying new clothes. If I'm going to be home like 95% of the time, why would I need new clothes? I wouldn't need cosmetics, but I need the basics: cleanser, toner, moisturizer.

I wouldn't need to do my hair every other month either.

Maybe I can survive on... $500 a month? Wishful thinking... I've got phone bills, gym membership and credit card bills to contend with. I've got books to buy, lots of them if they're going to relieve my boredom. Perhaps... perhaps I can take a few days leave just to laze... I mean, RECHARGE at home.

Worth considering.

Friday, September 12, 2008 . 9:37 AM

I love Fridays, there's something very magical about them. Kinda like Disneyland, but instead of the 'Happiest Place on Earth', it's like 'Happiest Day of the Week'.

Actually, make that 2nd happiest day of the week, cos I'm happiest when I'm sleeping. Yes, boring is my middle name.

So yesterday I asked Wen to hang out even though my initial plan was to go home and slack. But that's all his fault cos he confused me when he told me I should accept the job offer when I've already made up my mind not to.

Every nerve in my body is screaming against the job offer and I'm never one to fight my instincts. So, it would have to be no go for me. And the other job interview I was looking forward to fell through, to my immense disappointment. I guess, there will be other jobs. I just need to look hard enough. And in the right places.

And change my resume photo into a shot that does not make me look nekkid. Bah~

Arm aching right now cos of the blood test I had to take for health screening. I hate needles... but love my tattoos. Such dilemma. I should go for touch-up, since it's been more than a year. Perhaps when I didn't just spend $600 on shopping? I'm still amazed by the amount of money I spend. Did I really not help boost Singapore's economy? Not even a little?

Tonight, I have plans. After such a long period of social dearth, I've finally decided to heck it all to hell and put myself in social situations. Let's see how long this social phase will last. I'm guessing... a week. Or less.

I know myself too well to know I don't have the energy to keep this up for long.

Talking to Wen last night was interesting. I realized that I have a lot of pre-conceived notions that are... unnecessary.

Why do I feel uncomfortable in the presence of people I'm attracted to?
Why do I feel tongue-tied?
What is it exactly that I fear?
Why do I think I'm unworthy?

Instead of trying to impress them, why do I not let people see the real me? I like to think I'm an interesting person even if I don't really know what my selling point is. I know my bad points: selfishness & narrow-mindedness. I love myself first and foremost, which is why I take rejection very hard. Which is why it is a HUGE issue for me to make the first move.

But what about me attracts people? I sincerely have no idea. I always jokingly say its my looks. But I don't really believe that. Looks draws the first glance, what follows after that is the person you are underneath. A beautiful person may appear gorgeous at the onset, but an ugly personality quickly belies the physical beauty.

Whereas a beautiful soul makes an average person... radiant.

I want to be a Radiant Being. But, I can't be someone I'm not. I'm not soft-spoken, gentle or demure. I don't want to be amusing - at least I don't want to be the butt of jokes, which seemed to be usually the case. Really, how do you get out of the pigeon hole?

Thursday, September 11, 2008 . 8:42 AM

Are we an elitist society? Coming off the article about the Serangoon Gardens Dormitory debate, I cannot help but think so.

Fact: I have voiced my own concerns about housing foreign workers in a residential estate. I have, on occasion, made negative remarks about them despite the contribution they have to Singapore. I think they probably contributed much more than I did... I don't think my shopping has caused any huge impact on local economy.

But reading what others think about these foreign workers, I realized how negatively we think about them. What is it about them that makes us uncomfortable? Have they shown any proof that they could not be trusted to pounce on young women and hurt our children?

Perhaps I haven't been reading the news as much as I should be, but I don't think they have done anything to be shown such widespread mistrust and dislike. Yes, foreign workers have emotional needs, as well as physical needs. Hence the bustling business in Geylang. But I think it is a bit unfair to assume that women would be in danger because of that. At a basic level, they are as human as we are. Though we have our cultural differences, I think, on a very basic level, we're human beings and we have the same sense of right and wrong.

So, are we fearful of them because they look so different and came from a very different background? Are we now The White Man, and them, The Lowly Migrant? If we speak of the Western oppressing us of the yellow skin, so many years ago, aren't we doing the same thing to the foreign workers now?

I ask again, do we really have good cause to doubt their integrities and their sense of honor? Do they not work hard at their jobs? Why do we not accord them some respect? Would we object to a Singaporean construction worker for a neighbor? Would we fear for our safety and ask for security measures against them? If we would not discriminate against 'one of us', then, are we objecting now because foreign workers are not 'one of us'?

As I read others' comments and reasons for not wanting the dorm built in Serangoon Gardens, I feel ashamed that I once harbored such unfair thoughts about them. The anecdote about the foreign worker staring at a resident as she walked by made me feel uncomfortable - not for the girl, but for the foreign worker. In the account, the girl admitted that she thought he meant no harm. If so, why then the complain? If someone else had looked at her, maybe a cute guy, an uncle at the coffee shop, would her reaction be as such? Do we not frequently look at others?

It saddens me that I need to see myself through others before I realize how unwholesome and prejudiced my thoughts are. Even after studying about cultural imperalism of the Western society, how they belittle the Asian identity and blah blah blah... I did not realise how I've, all of us, have stepped into their shoes.

No matter, I will try to have more tolerance for foreign workers. Should they choose to house foreign workers in my residential area, I will not kick up a fuss.

I do think, however, that 1,000 foreign workers in an area of 5,000 is a really high ratio. How about 500 or 700? Other than Serangoon Gardens, there are other areas to house them, Kranji, Yew Tee, Bukit Batok...

Singapore is ours, but they've helped to built it, so shouldn't we play nice and share?

Thursday, September 04, 2008 . 10:54 AM

My Omnia arrived at 10.45am.

10 minutes later, I'm still staring at the glossy package and unable to tear into it. Why? Cuz it's such sweet torture to see it sitting on my desk, yet not closing the 20cm distance to reach for it.

How can I describe the feeling I got when my colleague called out for me to receive a package? I look up and my heart skipped a beat when I saw the Hello! Singtel bag. I half-ran, half-walked over and with shaky hands, bidded my trusty Z610i goodbye. Though Z610i and I had an ambicable relationship, I wasn't sorry to see it go. I never had extremely strong feelings towards it, you see.

But the Omnia is different. I may have to christen it, like you know, how some people christen their car? Well, my Omnia will be treated with the same loving respect. Maybe more.

I feel like I'm back in Secondary School and my crush is sitting just to my left. I would always try to look at him out of the corner of my eye without turning my head. I'm doing the same thing now, except, it's not sitting that far left and my eyes won't end up getting crossed. My pulse quickens whenever I look at it and I get this delicious shiver up my spine when I envision touching it.

I should really charge it, in case I get any calls... you never know right? Oh lord... I'm gonna be touching the Omnia. I'm gonna get down and dirty with it... My breath is coming faster, I'm also panting with desire...

Come on, baby...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008 . 11:29 AM

Who knew Batam can be so costly? Can I say I did? I really did cos I used the powers of logic. See, Batam is frequented by Singaporeans and angmohs, so it makes sense that they earn as much from us as possible. They don't have to price themselves dirt cheap, just slightly cheaper than Singapore's standards and there you have it. Suckers like us swamp in.

The 2-days weekend at Holiday Inn Resort cost as follows (price in estimation only):

Accomodation + Ferry: $100
F&B: $75
Massages: $250
Transport: $8

In total, I spent $433 for the trip. I may as well just go BKK. But then, it's a good thing we didn't, what with the state of emergency and all. Hey, but it's a really good reason to give boss for not coming to work.

'Sorry boss, I really want to come back to work, but I can't leave my hotel, it's too dangerous! I need another few days' leave...'

Yeah right. In my dreams... but after spending a bomb in Batam, I came back and went straight to Comex. I had totally forgotten what a crush these IT shows are. Just goes to show how many Technophiles there are in Singapore. Scary. I must not be counted among them, though. I didn't go to browse.

I went with a Purpose.

The one. The only. The original. Samsung Omnia.

No, I'm not paid to advertise for Samsung, they got the pretty Korean actresses for that. I just pay to own a small piece of majesty they call the Omnia. I'm in fact, paying $398 for the Omnia. A small price, considering they were selling at the IT show at $488 after a $100 trade-in and 2 years contract.

And the Singtel people at the roadshow are so evil. They looked down their bulbous noses at my Song Ericsson Z610i! Told me it's full of scratches and can fetch only $50. Gah! An outside shop offered me $60 for it ok? And you dumb online store says it's worth $100! So I gathered my bruised pride and snatched my phone back from the evil red-shirt people and stalked out of the Singtel booth... and saw the 3 hours queue.

I did the smart thing, of course. No, not join the queue; that's so Singaporean. I went to have dinner. Hahahaha... I came back later, of course. And because I had doubts about buying Omnia (I blame sister and the evil red-shirt people for planting the seeds of doubts), it was eradicted after I went over to the Samsung booth and toyed with the Omnia. Of course, the sales guy being so darned cute helped too.

Sexy small eyes and smooth skin! That he was pretty short didn't register till later. Anyway, I touched the Omnia and was lost. It made me believe in love at first sight. My dead heart, which hasn't raced for any man in recent years, raced for a mobile phone.

I wanted to own it and own it NOW! (I'm still talking about the phone here, not the cute Samsung guy)

But I can't shell out 900 bucks for it right? I went mournfully home and stared at online pictures of the phone.

Came Monday and after my infamous colleague, MM, irritated one time too many, I logged onto Singtel in a fit of anger. And saw a Miracle!

The Omnia going for $498, even without trading in my scratched phone. I didn't hesitate, I went ahead and bought it online. And so! You're looking at a proud owner of Samsung Omnia... in about 48 hours time.

I can't wait, I can't wait. I want my Omnia, I wanna caress its smooth body and fit it snugly in my hands. Ooooh...

Gimme an O!
Gimme a M!
Gimme a N!
Gimme an I!
And gimme an A!
What do you have?!
OMNIA!!!