Monday, June 16, 2008 . 11:13 PM

I feel more tired than I ever felt in a long time.

Tired of the same old routine, of waking at 6am, of doing worker bees' work, of being at the lowest of the food chain when I should be a mid-level executive at the grand old age of 25.

I always thought that being in your mid-20s is a big deal, you know? But turns out that there is nothing special. I still don't qualify for a credit card and still do not have a single cent to my name. I own no Gucci or Prada, despite my best intentions and have not even managed to embark on a single relationship.

If that is not failure, I don't know what else qualifies.

When I was younger, I feared being one of the mundanes. But now, I AM ONE OF THEM.

Saturday, June 14, 2008 . 12:45 AM

It's been a while and June seems to be a month of change.

First, i've joined a gym and have gone about three times so far. It's quite interesting at the moment and I feel healthier. I watch my diet a bit more carefully now, especially when I think of those agonizing minutes on the treadmill.

I really don't know why people put themselves through the exercises... wait, actually, I do. When I'm on the treadmill, I forget. I forget the emptiness of my life and how hollow I feel.

Minutes slipped by painfully slow and it hurts to breathe so much that nothing else matters. Maybe that's what's so attractive about it. Maybe it can offer the same addiction drama series offer.

Anyway, the myth about exercising releasing endorphines into your system and making you happier? Bullshit.

I feel crappy. I feel exhuasted.

I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of falling into an endless pit, like a misstep will lead to my doom. It's been 10 months and 5 days since I joined the company and I think I'm approaching the use-by date of the job. Honestly, I have learnt some interesting aspects of marketing from this job. Data analysis, budget planning, coordination with ad & media agencies, sponsorship management, secretarial duties... I've done almost everything.

But I'm not satisfied. I don't feel the fulfillment. Maybe I'm seeking fulfillment from the wrong places. Maybe it's not job satisfaction I'm looking for after all. Maybe I'm just looking for a place where I can belong.

But you know what? I can't find it.

I don't know where to start looking or how. Or who. What do I want? Does it even exist? How do you find something, when you don't even know what you're looking for?

Nowadays, I wake in the morning and drift through the day. For many, many months, I haven't felt my heart dance in my chest and I crave to feel it again.

I want to fall in love again, to experience the crazy little thing called Love. Perhaps my heart will get trampled on, but surely that would be better than this suspended state of animation I am currently in.

Bloody hell; I need to fall in love again!