Wednesday, August 22, 2007 . 8:46 PM

I'm completely pissed off at the moment. I'm surprised that steam isn't coming out of my ears right now.

It really doesn't pay to care too much. Maybe there is some truth to being hedonistic, maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be bothered so much about what people feel, think or do. It sucks when people you care about misinterpret your good intentions. It bothers me when I don't get to voice my views.

All I'm asking is some time and tolerance from people who are supposed to love me. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently so!

I was on the bus, on the way home a few hours ago when a thought struck me from out of nowhere. It wasn't the first time I'm having this thought: I don't want to have kids. What if they turn out to be like my sister?

She is unmanageable. So much so that we would like to murder her in her sleep - figuratively, of course. I wonder if I had ever been that rebellious. Perhaps I was too much of a coward to rebel so completely. If Lucifer had a form, it was surely her - though she lacks his much lauded charisma.

This year alone, Lord only knows how many exams/classes she has skipped, not to mention last year. She got into a spot of trouble last year and did not attend school for a few months. And our education system, the same one developed countries like US and Europe region oohed and aahed over, still passed her and moved her up to the next grade. I wonder how they figured she can pass her Sec 3 exams when she failed her Sec 2 ones. And I wonder why they did not downgrade her to NT so she can at least catch up.

Don't get me wrong, I don't look down NT students. I think everyone has their own place in life. But the fact is, in Singapore, if you're not enterprising, then you sure as hell better have an education. I am as un-enterprising as they come, which explains the degree.

And this younger sister of mine? Well, if you call playing online games and chatting all day enterprising, then she can quit school right about now.

I don't know what to do with her. It is her life. She wants to throw it away, who am I to stand in her way? Maybe I'm making too much of a fuss. Maybe there are bigger things out there for her than getting an education. If so, perhaps she should start looking for that bigger thing now and quit wasting everyone's time, energy and concern.

Monday, August 20, 2007 . 11:29 PM

为什么这篇会是用华文写的呢？刚想到的时候自己也有点犹豫，因为知道自己的华文表达能力非常有限，但是最终，就象你看到的，我还是选择挑战极限。

本来我写的这些心情点滴都不打算和谁分享。只是想有个发泄的空间还蛮不错的，所以就开始写了，到现在已经有一段日子了。有很多时候我都在埋怨活着很辛苦，有时真的很想放弃。可是我可以吗？

不知道从什么时候开始，我觉得自己的生活那么无趣又一成不变。这种感觉让我害怕。我要的人生不是这样的。可是，能得到的就仅仅这样而已吗？

我好想知道答案，又怕知道了会承受不了。我被这矛盾搞糊涂了。我也厌倦了等待。我好像已经等了好久好久，就是等不到我上台的时间。到底我会有登台的机会吗？还是我就得这样过完一生。

我想当焰火，拥有一霎那的永恒，璀璨耀眼的人生。哪怕只是一瞬间的发光，也比现在的一成不变好吧？

Sunday, August 19, 2007 . 2:51 AM

Sometimes I'll sit and wonder where my life is heading and where this will all end. At times like these, it's hard to rein in my thoughts and focus on the now.

Truth is, like so many others, I don't know why I'm doing what I am and I don't know what it is really I want. When I was younger, sure, I had dreams. I wanted to be a writer. To share my stories with the world. To produce them into movies/series and hopefully earn some money in the process. Of course, there is the mandatory celebrity dream, but I didn't dwell to much on it - or so I hope.

Yet now, here I am, in an industry I know nuts about and have zero passion for. But marketing is what I want to do (or at least I think so). So here I am. Working with aunties, ah bengs and ah lians. And the boss's daughter, Alvin rich campmate and... well, I don't really know how to describe him. 2 weeks into the job and I'm thinking of how long I can stay before leaving.

But the problem is, is there really a geener pasture? Where will I be happy? I've been to so many places and yet, I haven't been able to find my niche. Why? Am I trying too hard to make my career the main focus of my life? But let's be honest here: what do I have besides my work? None of my friends needs me. I feel like I'm imposing on Elsie and Alvin whenever I go out with them. Lately, I haven't feel like seeing any of them. I just want to escape from everyone and just be by myself.

I scare myself when I feel like this and I do try my best to repress these reclusive thoughts. The fact that I still make it to work everyday proves that these thoughts haven't conquered me yet. I was chatting with Farand just now when he gave me a ride home and he said something that struck me. He said that career shouldn't be a person's life. There are other priorities.

It is obvious what his priorities are (family, church). And mine? Maybe I'm confused and lost because I don't have mine right. From the onset, family hadn't been my priority. Neither are friends. I'm always looking out for number one. Perhaps that is the real reason for this general feeling of dissatisfaction. It is time to find another more meaningful focus. 23 years and 9 months of self-absorption should suffice.

Perhaps when I really start to look beyond myself can I really be able to open my heart to someone else.

Friday, August 17, 2007 . 12:28 AM

I get into certain moods and it makes me want to do certain things - certain impossible things, to be precise.

Like now, I want to get a car when:
1) I don't have the money
2) I haven't got a licence and considering that I've failed my BASIC THEORY TWICE
I really shouldn't be considering buying a car.

Yeah, it all stems from, I suspect, my boring, never-changing life. My dress sense might have changed, the acne might have cleared up and thanks to gift's gift to women - cosmetics, not chocolates, I've managed to make myself look pretty presentable. No way near gorgeous, mind you, but presentable.

But inside, I'm still the same old me. I still can't keep my room tidy to save my life, looks like a total wreck when I'm at home and quite simply, a nerd. I'm a nerd and a boring person and that is something I can't hide from the people closest to me, which so far means only my family members. No one else has seen past the surface gloss. Maybe I didn't let them, maybe it's just not done.

I know I'm a person who needs a strong shoulder to rely on. Yet, I have a tendency to push away helping hands. I can't help throwing up a wall in front of people I like/admire/respect because I don't want their pity. I guess it's a pride thing. So I need help, yet I refuse to admit it to others, where does this leave me?

Pretty much stuck in a rut, aren't I? I have absolutely no idea how to dig myself out. Sometime today, I asked myself, so what is it about me that will attract others to me? My bubbly personality, brilliant wit, irresistible charisma?

I'm nowhere as pretty as Kara, caring as Sharon, friendly as Elsie, shameless, oh, alright, humourous as Jeremy. I'm not talented like Aaron or Sana. I'm just... me. A little arrogant, a little shy, a little crazy and a little scared of being judged. So how can someone like me ever be liked by anyone?

Will there ever be anyone for me? Ever?

When will he appear?

Monday, August 13, 2007 . 12:22 AM

Food consumption was high this whole week because I'm constantly hungry. I have no idea where this gluttonous side emerged from, but there you are, I am simply ravenous ALL THE TIME.

I think I just might have hit and gone way beyond 50kg - not that I dare confirm that fact.

Work is slowly picking up speed and I'm also slowly adapting to life there. I think that everyone is pretty nice and there are almost zilch politics. I mean, when you're working with the daughter of the boss and someone who has been there for 10 years, it would most certainly mean that no one dares touch you cos:

1. You're more junior than a peanut,
2. Your workscope doesn't overlap with theirs and they have 0 interest in your position.

So I guess I got lucky again. But its still too early to be so optimistic. Considering how well AGOP started out, I'm reserving my judgement this time so I don't have to eat my words again. I am already FAT you know...

What else can I blog about? Oh, the tattoo? I think I definitely need a touch up cos the colour got all faded! I don't know why, but I developed a reaction to the cream he gave me and I had to use aloe vera gel instead. Maybe it has some kind of chemical reaction. The tattoo still looks reddish and the area is itchy at times. I think I should be worried, but I'll wait a few more days cos it could be all the seafood I'm consuming.

And the major news: I won $2 playing mahjong on Saturday. That is something to shout about because of my previous luck with mahjong, I always lose you see. So to win this time is something!

Tomorrow is work again and... I have mixed feelings about it. Not excited, but don't dread it that much. I guess it's normal to feel sian about going to work since I do have to work at 6am (the sky's not even light yet!) and I so hate waking up early. Oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do to earn a living!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007 . 12:07 AM

So I crashed at 11pm last night and still managed to nod off during work today. I really didn't mean too! But my eyelids wouldn't listen to me. You know what they say about the will and the flesh and all that. But luckily, despite a heavy (and sumptuous) lunch at Ritz Carlton courtesy of Classifieds, I managed not to fall asleep.

Maybe that's cos I've got focus in the afternoon. And there's also the fact that we went out for 3 hours! Yes, lunch took that long, to think they said lunch is 57 minutes. Guess that rule doesn't apply when you're at lunch with Da Boss.

And after yesterday's RX8, I had fun riding the MX5 (with the top down, no less!) and the 3, 5 and 6. I got to fiddle with the moonroof for the 5 and I'm pretty happy. Pity I missed out on the 7, but what's a SUV compared to a roadster right? I mean, 3 sports cars in 2 days seem like a pretty good statistic to me, don't you think?

First day of work was ultra boring, what with the product training with the salespeople and awkward lunch with the department. Today was better. I guess I felt less nervy and a lot more friendlier. I discovered that the lady who sat across from me to be a huge source of information - sometimes too much. But I've gotta be grateful to have a guide, so I'm not gonna complain.

Tomorrow there'll be no more free lunches, so it's the day of reckoning. Should I have lunch with the rest of the department or should I deviate? Part of me wants to deviate, but part of me wnats to stay with the department. After all, it would be good to strengthen relations within the department right? And what's better than having the boss's daughter, aka Future Boss, on your side?

Seriously, I think that's not what I should be considering. This is a job, my aim is to be promoted to executive level within a year. I mean, 4 years experience and I'm a COORDINATOR? You've got to be kidding!

Monday, August 06, 2007 . 10:27 PM

So over the weekend, I was in KL. Shopping was rather okay, but considering my limited budget and fat body, I didn't have as much fun shopping as I could have. Now I know that my weight is inversely proportioned to the enjoyment of shopping. I so need to lose weight, especially after all the crazy binging in KL.

Basically I had cinnamon rolls, durian, donuts, french toasts (totally wicked, drenched in decadent maple syrup and dripping with peanut butter... yum!), laksa, stingray, oyster omelette... you get the drift.

Anyway, I need to lose weigh and I think that my tattoo is fading cos I didn't read instructions and took off the bandage to bathe before my 24 hours was up. I stained my PJs in the process and alerted my mom to the fact that I did another tattoo. Yeah, I admit that I'm pretty smart like that.

Anyway, today was my first day at work and I told myself not to be intimidated. I think I would feel more queasy if I were more awake. I kept dozing off! And to think that I slept at midnight last night to wake up at 6am this morning. The company has this punch card system, which totally made me feel transported back to my fragrance promoter days.

But other than that, my boss treated me and the rest of the department to lunch at Waraku (I had Shoyu Ramen) and I was in orientation the whole day. The product training made me nod off and I think the trainer caught me cos he said that he knew the training is dry and is irrelevant to what I'm doing, so it is okay for me to doze. I felt bad, but I really couldn't help it!

Then the current lady who was doing marketing was nice enough to walk me through my jobscope for like 3 hrs. She basically talked non-stop for 3 hrs, I am totally amazed by how she could do that. I probably would have run out of things to say in 1 hr max. But that would be why she earns enough to own a MX5 and I don't. But I think there's something to be said for being the boss's daughter though I honestly think she totally has no airs and is a real nice lady.

Other than that, I'm rather pleased that I can use MSN in the office. I didn't have time to cos I was busy dozing off while people explain important stuff to me. So this strengthened my resolve to sleep early tonight so I won't face the same problem again. I still have school tomorrow so I really can't afford to feel sleepy.

And that is why my encounter in KL will have to wait another day. Adios!

Thursday, August 02, 2007 . 4:13 AM